Having children is something that we didn’t always share the same values in. Hollie has wanted children forever, a real non-negotiable whereas Jade didn’t really mind either way – until we got together.
I suppose how you’re supposed to feel is subjective. Excited? Nervous? Maybe a mixture of the two. I don’t think anyone can tell you the right way to act, but we’d like to share our own, unique experiences over this two part blog.
Starting out
So for me, having a history of anxiety, I was already aware that the emotions that I feel don’t necessarily reflect the reality of the world around me. Despite that, I was actually really full of excitement and anticipation of what was to come.
We had decided on our clinic, had our initial assessments and we’d received the results of our blood tests. Things looked great on the whole. I was 29 years old, but one of the results indicated a small problem. My AMH was down at 4.2 p/mol. This scientific acronym stands for Anti-Mullerian Hormone – essentially indicating your ovarian reserve which usually goes down with age. 4.2 is a low reading, not as low as some but low for my age.
I was left reeling. All of a sudden, my old demons found their way back into the crevices of my consciousness and I couldn’t help but catastrophise. We were going to waste a huge amount of money on attempting to stimulate my ovaries only to be rewarded with a barren plain.
Meds, meds, meds
With some encouragement from my wife, we went ahead and started medication. I managed to overcome a years old fear of anything medical and Jade injected me for a couple of weeks. We attended ultrasound scans at our clinic every few days to see how my ovaries were responding to the medication. Cue new feelings.
At the first scan, the sonographer informed me that I had 8 follicles that had decided to respond. One was significantly in front of all the others. When she told me, I wasn’t actually listening. Instead, I had already counted 8 on the scan when she was conducting it and I was already in the clutches of despair when her words washed over me. 8. I had read online about women who had 40+ follicles engaged. Women older than me, with medical conditions that meant that IVF was their only choice. Selfish thoughts, I know.
We left the room and sat back in the waiting room. Jade could see that I was emotional. Desperately seeking to hold onto the tear that threatened my lower eyelid. A nurse came out, and came to sit with us. She asked the dreaded 3-word question, ‘are you okay?’ and the tear won. Through a burning sensation in my throat I explained my disappointment. Nurse Kate, who actually became a lifeline for us, reassured me that you only need one. I put on a brave faced, nodded, and broke down shortly after leaving the clinic.
Not all rainbows and smiles
Over the next few days, I processed the information. 8 – it was better than 5, better than 7. I tried to remain positive despite statistics online suggesting I’d probably only get 4 viable eggs anyway.
On the morning of my last ultrasound, I had to go alone for the first time as Jade had unavoidable work commitments. I felt sick walking through the doors that had been the metaphorical and physical barrier between us having a baby. I lay in the bed and felt numb as the probe was inserted. It hurt this time, I didn’t say anything. The consultant was very chatty. He explained everything that he was seeing on the screen, and I actually started to feel a little more reassured. He explained that it would be him doing the egg retrieval, and that he felt we were good to go. I left the clinic and immediately called my wife who was over the moon that we’d been given the green light. Onto the trigger…
You only get one shot…
The trigger shot is intense. A final shot of hormones that triggers the release of the eggs held inside the ovaries. Meticulously timed, the egg collection needs to happen 36 hours after your trigger shot. Too early or too late and the eggs won’t be where they need to be. we were given a trigger time of 10:30pm. One final kiss, one final injection.
The end is nigh!
The morning of the egg collection came and I was not okay. I hadn’t slept, feeling like this would be my last night alive. I realise this sounds ridiculous, but I was adamant that I would react badly to the sedation and that I wouldn’t wake up. My wife reassured me that I’d be fine, but I couldn’t shake the fear. The drive to the clinic was long and I don’t think I spoke. I hadn’t eaten, as per instruction, and don’t think I could have anyway. When we arrived at the clinic, I held Jade hard and long, not wanting to leave her. Nurse Kate came to tell me that it was time to come through.
Along with two other women, I was ushered to a new part of the clinic. A ward of sorts, with 3 cubicles, one for each of us. I was last in the lineup. I listened through the curtain as things were explained to the other lady. I dressed myself in the hospital gown and hairnet – fetching, right?
I just remember sitting on the chair, refusing to sit on the bed for now because doing that would make it more real. I got my phone out and started reading a match report for the ice hockey team I support as Nurse Kate entered my cubicle. She knew that I was nervous as Jade had asked her to take care of me. Expecting a reassuring conversation, instead she asks what I’m looking at. I explain that I’m an ice hockey fan and she responds, “that’s one of the gayest things I’ve ever heard.” In shock, I look at her, mouth agape. I laugh, nervously, and she exclaims that she can say that because we play for the same team! I laughed, genuinely laughed, feeling a wave of relief washing over me. I can’t really explain why, I guess I felt like I had an ally. Obviously, I immediately had to tell Jade.
I felt better then, conversing with someone who (as it transpired) had already undergone IVF with her own wife and been rewarded with a wonderful little girl.
It was my time, and I told Jade I loved her over WhatsApp. I walked into the cold medical suite and saw the 5 professionals in there. Fear surged through my body. This was it.
I sat in the chair. The cannula was fitted to my hand and I felt nauseous. The anaesthetist explained that I might feel something cold running up my arm, and then tingly. I felt both. The last thing I remember is saying that I felt tingly and then nothing.
‘If I wasn’t gay…’
I woke up, sat upright and engaged in conversation with Nurse Kate and another male nurse. In fact, I came to in the middle of saying, “you two are my favourites.” Apparently, I hadn’t been unconscious at all, and instead had spent the entire procedure explaining how if I wasn’t a lesbian, Ryan Reynolds would be the man who would win me over. Embarrassing, to say the least.
Straight after I had come around, the consultant came to tell me how many eggs we had managed to get – 7. I was over the moon. 7. 7 chances. 7 maybe babies.
Then came the wait. I was sore for a couple of days after the procedure and very nervous for the outcome. For us, they told us the following day how many of our eggs had been fertilised which was all of them. We were ecstatic and so hopeful. On Day 3, they’re checked again to see how they’re developing. This time, 4 were on track. The four looked great. We reassured each other – 4 chances is amazing – but I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had let us down. On Day 5, we got the final number of eggs that had made it and were ready to be frozen.
We were left with 2 embryos. One embryo was graded as a 5BB, and the other as a 4BC. It wasn’t the best result we could have had, but overall I was just so happy that we had at least one try!
That was the end of my personal part of the process, and the beginning of Jade’s. I went through such a range of emotions, and I still am now.
How should I feel?
Ultimately, going through the IVF process brings about a multitude of emotions that no one can say are right or wrong. The fears and anxieties that arise from knowing what’s going on at every step of the journey is not something that the majority of couples will experience. Constantly relying on Google to reassure nervous minds, persistently believing every twinge to be the end can end up taking its toll.
Check back for Part 2, where Jade explains how the process was for her, too!
Be kind to yourself. Be kind to each other.
Two Mamas, One Baby 